


after all these years

by hoshilover



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:53:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27972656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoshilover/pseuds/hoshilover
Summary: Seungkwan always makes an effort to look nice on any day, never leaving the house without at least bothering to run a comb through his hair and make some sort of attempt to coordinate his outfit. Today, however, feels much more important than other day has for a long time. He changes his clothes one last time and finds himself staring hard into the mirror again. He tugs on his coat and takes a deep breath before heading out the door, Mingyu offering him a soft smile before Seungkwan makes it too far down the hall.Today was the first time Seungkwan would see Vernon again after five years.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	after all these years

**Author's Note:**

> hihi i love verkwan and randomly got this idea and this was the result! i hope you like it 
> 
> also note: there is a nsfw scene at the end, so if you're not comfy you can skip past it! (starts when u see the *** and ends when you see the *** again) also i apologize if it sucks, it was my first time writing it but i tried my best
> 
> as always comments and kudos are appreciated :)

**April 10, 2020 - PRESENT DAY**

“How do I look?” Seungkwan asks his best friend and roommate, Mingyu, as he stares pointedly at his reflection in the mirror.

“You look fine,” Mingyu assures him. “I wish you’d stop worrying.”

“Just fine? Alright, I need to change then.” Seungkwan pushes past Mingyu before he can hear the exasperated sigh he lets out.

Seungkwan always makes an effort to look nice on any day, never leaving the house without at least bothering to run a comb through his hair and make some sort of attempt to coordinate his outfit. Today, however, feels much more important than other day has for a long time. He changes his clothes one last time and finds himself staring hard into the mirror again. He tugs on his coat and takes a deep breath before heading out the door, Mingyu offering him a soft smile before Seungkwan makes it too far down the hall.

Today was the first time Seungkwan would see Vernon again after five years.

 _Five_ years. Seungkwan can’t fathom that idea; somehow it seems like so long ago and still hurts like a fresh wound all at the same time. 1,825 days since he and Vernon agreed to not have any form of communication with one another until Seungkwan was ready to graduate from college. Seungkwan hates how seriously they both took that agreement, knowing that any time he would have something exciting to share or he was crying and feeling lonely that he couldn’t just text Vernon to talk. He couldn’t just FaceTime his best friend when he was bored and needed a distraction anymore. He couldn’t call and greet him happy birthday every year and nor could he expect a greeting from Vernon, either. Seungkwan remembers thinking that after a while of not talking, it would eventually get easier.

But it hadn’t.

There were numerous occasions where he’d almost forgotten about their agreement and opened Vernon’s contact on his phone, but he’d always remember just in time that they were supposed to be staying apart. It killed Seungkwan not to talk to Vernon, and even now, he often finds himself wondering if it killed Vernon just the same.

_Chwe Vernon_ [3:05]: heading over to the café, about 10 min away

Seungkwan felt his heart clench. It was so weird to see Vernon in his notifications again.

The café they were meeting at was about twenty minutes out of Seungkwan’s way, and even closer to Vernon’s. Seungkwan suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, which honestly wasn’t as far a drive as he anticipated. Vernon had apparently just moved into a new place about ten minutes from the café, meaning he was actually closer to Seungkwan than he’s been for a long time.

The thought of seeing Vernon again made Seungkwan’s stomach flip.

_Seungkwan_ [3:06]: ok, be there soon

*

The first time Seungkwan had met Vernon, they were freshmen in high school. Vernon had just recently transferred here from another school and was still trying to find where he fit in amongst his peers. He was always quiet – almost remarkably quiet, actually – but he was always kind to anyone who approached him. He almost always wore headphones over his ears or around his neck, the only exception being the start of class. Vernon had been in Seungkwan’s study hall, sitting all by himself at a long table and occasionally tapping his foot to his music as he worked.

One day, Seungkwan’s curiosity and strange fascination with the boy took over and he found himself sitting next to Vernon at his table. Vernon hadn’t noticed right away, but startled once he noticed Seungkwan’s eyes on him.

**September 22, 2012**

“Hey, what are you listening to?” Seungkwan asks him as he removes his headphones.

“What?”

“You’re always wearing those,” Seungkwan motions to the headphones now hanging around his neck. “I wanted to know what you’re always listening to. I figured maybe you could recommend me a song or two.”

Vernon just stares at him, blinking a few times before acknowledging that maybe he should probably respond. “Oh, um. It’s nothing. I mean – I listen to pretty much everything.”

“I’m Seungkwan,” Seungkwan randomly says, realizing he hadn’t yet made his acquaintance.

“Vernon,” the boy replies shyly.

“Vernon,” Seungkwan repeats aloud, wanting to hear the sound of his name from his own lips. “I know you’re pretty new here, so I just wanted to let you know that if you ever need anything or want a friend that you can talk to me. Here, let me give you my number.”

Vernon smiles at Seungkwan and hands over his phone.

*

**April 10, 2020 - PRESENT DAY**

“Seungkwan?”

Seungkwan’s head snaps up as he hears his name being called from the corner of the café. He looks around to find Vernon sitting at a table near the window, waving him over. Seungkwan can feel his hands shaking as he places the lid on his coffee and begins walking towards Vernon’s table. Seungkwan sits down and their eyes meet, and he feels so overwhelmed that, for what may only be the second time in his life, he’s at a loss for words.

Vernon looks almost exactly the same as the last time they saw each other, but something about him seems very different. For one, his hair is now dyed a light brown instead of his usual dark color, and it’s just slightly longer than Seungkwan remembers. Seungkwan thinks it suits him well.

“Hi,” Seungkwan finally says, his voice coming out weaker than he intends.

“Hey,” Vernon stirs his coffee and offers Seungkwan a smile. “How’ve you been?”

Seungkwan supposes he has two options here. He could tell Vernon that he’s been great, that he’s excited to graduate college and finally start his future. He could tell him about the amazing new friends he’s made while at university, and how he’s found a new passion for working with kids and animals.

He could tell Vernon that he couldn’t possibly be better, of course. But that wouldn’t be the truth. The truth is, despite accomplishing so many of the goals he’d set for himself while in college, he can’t shake the feeling that there’s something – or someone – missing. If he’s honest, he hasn’t felt whole in a really, really long time.

In the end, Seungkwan settles for something in between. “I’m alright, how about you? What have you been up to?”

“I’ve been working a lot,” Vernon explains. “As much as I love doing music, I haven’t yet found a way to make a decent living with it yet. So yeah, I’ve been balancing and switching between several part-time jobs for a while now.”

Seungkwan nods awkwardly. “Oh, nice.”

Vernon makes a face and takes a sip of his drink. “Yeah, I mean – I guess so.”

“You… um, you look good.” Seungkwan tells him.

Vernon offers a small smile. “Thanks, you do, too.”

Seungkwan honestly doesn’t really know what to talk about. Part of him feels it’s because he’s still having trouble processing the fact that his old best friend of four years is sitting across from him for the first time in forever. Seungkwan thinks that if someone were to tell him several years ago that he would be struggling to find words when talking to Vernon, he wouldn’t have believed it for a second. But now, here he is.

Vernon must notice Seungkwan getting lost in thought, because he reaches across the table to lay a hand over Seungkwan’s wrist. Vernon freezes and almost instantly retracts his hand when he sees Seungkwan’s wide eyes.

“Sorry,” Vernon says quickly. “I was just trying to –”

“No, it’s okay, really.” Seungkwan rushes to say, giving him a smile. “Hey do you think maybe we could um, go somewhere else? I know we agreed to meet here but I’m starting to think that we should talk somewhere more private.”

“Sure, maybe we could… go back to my place and talk?” Vernon offers.

“Would I ride with you?” Seungkwan asks. “What about my car?”

“We can come back for it later if you want,” Vernon suggests, and they both stand up to throw away their (somewhat) empty coffee cups. “It’s not like we’re too far away or we’ll be gone for too long.”

Seungkwan considers the idea. He really doesn’t need too much convincing.

*

Seungkwan remembers when he and Vernon became closer than ever. It was during the second half of sophomore year, right around the time Vernon had gotten his driver’s license. From this point on, the two of them were pretty much always together. Seungkwan would spend more nights in Vernon’s room than he did at his own house, but neither of them really seemed to mind that much.

**February 17, 2013**

Seungkwan supposes his favorite thing is the late-night drives they go on together. Vernon claims he tries his best to be home before curfew, but Seungkwan vividly remembers almost never heading back to Vernon’s place until much later. So late, in fact, that he really had no choice but to crash at Vernon’s place because there was honestly no way that Seungkwan was going to make it back home before his mom fell asleep. On these drives, sometimes they would blast music and scream the lyrics. Sometimes they would keep the music on low and just talk for hours, and then later, if they felt like it, they would stop to get fast food at the only place they knew would still be open. They originally started going on these drives to cheer up when one of them was feeling sad, and it was honestly the best distraction Seungkwan could have asked for.

As both Seungkwan and Vernon each make more friends, they quickly become their mutual friends. Vernon becomes friends with this kid Chan, an incredibly easygoing and hilarious guy who is just a year below them. Around this time, Seungkwan meets and clicks with these two guys Soonyoung and Seokmin. It isn’t long until they all start hanging out, but as much fun as they have together, Seungkwan finds himself missing the nights he’d spent with just Vernon.

One particular night, Seungkwan is just about to fall asleep when the sound of his phone ringing with texts startles him awake.

_vernonie <3 _[11:15]: seungkwan are u awakeee pls tell me you are

 _seungkwan_ [11:16]: yeah what’s up

 _vernonie <3_ [11:16]: can i pick u up for a drive

 _vernonie <3_ [11:17]: i’m lonely and i can’t sleep

Seungkwan smiles to himself and types out a quick reply.

_seungkwan_ [11:17]: yeah just lmk when you’re here

Maybe it should’ve crossed Seungkwan’s mind at some point how easily he chose Vernon over practically everything. He didn’t even hesitate to accept Vernon’s offer to go driving even when it meant sacrificing his sleep when he knew full well that he had to get up early the next day. It should have occurred to him, but it never did.

Seungkwan never let himself think about the implications of it.

*

**April 10, 2020 - PRESENT DAY**

Seungkwan and Vernon spend most of the ride back to Vernon’s place in silence, only breaking it when Vernon tells Seungkwan they’ve arrived. Vernon unlocks his door and Seungkwan follows closely behind him.

This is weird.

Seungkwan supposes he doesn’t really know Vernon anymore, but he can’t help but think this place suits him well. It’s comfortable, decorated minimally but aesthetically (with the exception of the tiny pile of clothes at the foot of the stairs. Oh well, Vernon has always been a little messy, after all.) Anyway, this place is perfect.

This place is very _Vernon_.

“Do you um, want anything to drink?” Vernon offers.

“Um sure, water would be fine.”

They sit in silence for a while, Seungkwan pretending to find such a fascination with his water and drinking it every few moments just to avoid talking. 

“Did you ever get a cat?” Seungkwan hears himself say.

“What?”

Seungkwan shakes his head. “No sorry, it’s just that... I remember how much you used to love cats and that you said when you had your own place one day you would get one. I was just curious.”

“Oh,” Vernon looks to the floor, “no, I haven’t yet. I want to, though. I can’t believe you even remember that.”

“I can. I don’t think I could forget anything about you even if I tried,” Seungkwan admits honestly, not sure where this sudden courage is coming from. Perhaps it’s because he’s been waiting so long to look Vernon in the eyes and try to make sense of what happened.

Vernon doesn’t say anything at first, but then eventually softens.

“Seungkwan, would it be weird if –” Vernon starts, shaking his head at himself and taking his lip between his teeth. Seungkwan knows Vernon only does this when he’s nervous. “Ah, nevermind.”

“No, tell me,” Seungkwan urges.

Vernon considers for a moment, obviously shy. “Could I maybe hug you?”

Seungkwan doesn’t have to think about his answer. “Of course.”

Vernon inches closer to Seungkwan and pulls him into his chest. At first, they keep their touches light to avoid crossing any boundaries. Soon though, Seungkwan pulls him closer and holds him a little tighter. He buries his face into the hood of his jacket, and it hadn’t hit him until now just how much he missed being close to Vernon. He missed his touch, the way he smelled, the way he would laugh with his whole body when Seungkwan said something funny. Seungkwan is hit with a wave of emotions he thought he’d suppressed a long time ago, but here they were just waiting to resurface.

His body shakes with sobs as he’s forced to confront his feelings so suddenly. Vernon just holds him tighter.

“It’s okay,” Vernon breathes against Seungkwan’s hair. “Just breathe, okay? You’re okay.”

“I’ve missed you so much,” Seungkwan admits, pulling away to meet Vernon’s soft gaze. “You have no idea.”

Vernon moves to wipe away Seungkwan’s tears with his thumb. “I think I have a really great idea, actually.” Seungkwan wants to shake his head, but Vernon pulls him into his arms again before he can. “I’ve got you.”

*

The first time Seungkwan entertained that he _might_ have a slight crush on Vernon was on his seventeenth birthday. His family had organized a small party for him, inviting his close friends to celebrate with some cake and ice cream. The party was super low key; they just played a bunch of games and laughed together.

**January 16, 2014**

Chan, Soonyoung, and Seokmin decide they want more ice cream and leave Seungkwan and Vernon alone together to go stand in line. Seungkwan had just taken a mouthful of cake when Vernon starts talking about something funny that happened earlier that day, which results in Seungkwan’s embarrassing struggle to swallow his cake over his laughter. Vernon is laughing now, too, because Seungkwan looks so ridiculous with his cheeks stuffed with cake and a glob of icing on the corner of his mouth. Seungkwan finally manages to swallow the dessert, and he sees Vernon just beaming at him.

“You did that on purpose,” Seungkwan accuses, and his face hurts a little bit from smiling so much.

Vernon laughs softly. “Maybe.”

Seungkwan laughs and goes to shoot him a glare, but he feels himself freeze as he watches Vernon’s gaze center on his lips.

“Here, you have a little icing.” As if it’s the easiest thing in the world, Vernon reaches out to rub his thumb along Seungkwan’s bottom lip. He quickly wipes away the icing and mindlessly licks it off his thumb. Seungkwan is stunned – everything seemed to go still with the exception of his pounding heart because _what the fuck._

“Oh... thanks.” Seungkwan finally manages to say, his body still tingling from head to toe.

“No problem.”

From this moment on, Seungkwan hasn’t thought of Vernon the same way again. He’s very aware of the fact that every time he hears Vernon talk, fleeting and not-so-fleeting thoughts about kissing him cloud his mind. It’s insane, right? Seungkwan knows he shouldn’t be thinking about how Vernon’s lips might feel against his, or what he might taste like.

Seungkwan’s mind slowly becomes consumed with thoughts of Vernon. Vernon’s hands in his hair, the pressure against his lips as he kisses him deeply. Vernon, Vernon, Vernon.

And just like that, Seungkwan is hit with the realization that their friendship would never be the same again.

*

**March 13, 2015**

Vernon’s been pulling away.

It’s their senior year of high school, which means some of the biggest workloads and assignments they’ve ever had. Vernon had told Seungkwan that the reason he hasn’t been coming around is because he’s been busy, but Seungkwan sees right through him. Never in their friendship had he shut Seungkwan out for this long. Before, any time Vernon was busy with something, Seungkwan would come over anyway. He would come over just to keep Vernon company while he studied, falling asleep to the sound of him typing away on his keyboard to desperately try to finish a last-minute paper.

And sometimes, if Vernon was tired enough from doing homework all day, he would curl up in bed right next to Seungkwan and fall asleep. And if Seungkwan happened to wake up and see that Vernon was sleeping right next to him, he would lay closer and cuddle into him. Vernon would always, consciously or not, tangle his legs with Seungkwan’s and press his face into his neck. They have always felt comfortable with each other in their friendship, and maybe it seems a bit too clingy to others but they never seemed to care too much.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Seungkwan would say when Vernon finally opens his eyes and smiles at him, regardless of what time it was.

But now, Seungkwan’s lucky if he can even get a simple text back from Vernon anymore.

It’s been hard.

“What’s wrong, Kwannie?” Soonyoung asks after calling Seungkwan on the phone. Seungkwan is noticeably upset.

“I don’t really want to get into it.”

“Is this about Vernon?” Soonyoung says anyway, taking Seungkwan’s silence as a yes. “Yeah, he’s been like, different lately. When I saw him last night, he seemed a bit… out of it.”

“Wait, you saw him last night?”

“Briefly,” Soonyoung explains. “He wanted to go over notes together for this exam we have coming up.”

Seungkwan feels his heart sting. Of course, Soonyoung doesn’t know the extent of his and Vernon’s relationship despite being friends with Seungkwan for a while now; no one really knew how their relationship worked, if he was honest. It never really seemed to matter as long as it made sense to Seungkwan and Vernon. Soonyoung doesn’t know, so he can’t expect him to understand why he would feel hurt about Vernon choosing Soonyoung’s company over his.

“Did I say something wrong?” Soonyoung asks softly, his voice laced with worry.

“No, no. You’re fine, I promise,” Seungkwan sighs, “it’s just hard not knowing where Vernon and I stand these days.”

“What do you mean?”

Seungkwan tries to hide the sadness in his voice as he talks. “Vernon has been my best friend since freshman year. Honestly, he was more than just my best friend. We did everything together, really. No one ever saw me without him there. And now it’s just… different. Now I can’t even get him to respond to my texts or even fully acknowledge my existence. I worry that he doesn’t even care anymore.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, Seungkwan.”

“It really feels like it is,” Seungkwan continues, his heart heavy. “All of those nights we spent laughing over nothing together, all of those amazing conversations we’ve had. The way he would smile at me even when I made the most obvious joke… I just miss it all.” Soonyoung listens carefully and just hums. “What?”

“I’m sorry if this is like, a weird thing to ask you but… did you ever, you know…”

Seungkwan blinks in conclusion. “What?”

“Do you have feelings for Vernon?”

Seungkwan pauses for a moment, not knowing how to respond.

“Hey,” Soonyoung says firmly. “It’s okay if you do, you know.”

It’s silent for a while, until Seungkwan finds the courage to tell the truth. “Is it, though? I’ve never been so afraid.”

And he was, completely and utterly terrified.

*

**April 10, 2020 - PRESENT DAY**

They sit in silence for what feels like forever once Seungkwan calms down.

Seungkwan thinks it’s quite literally unbearable.

“How come you never told me you moved?” Seungkwan suddenly blurts, looking toward the ground to avoid seeing the expression on Vernon’s face.

“I didn’t really know how to,” he admits. “Or if you even wanted to know.”

“Of fucking _course,_ I would want to know,” Seungkwan defends almost instantly. “I’m not the one who packed up and left your life, after all.”

“You were planning on it,” Vernon reminds him.

“That’s not fair and you know it.”

“What the hell else was I supposed to think when I was the last person to find out you were leaving?” Vernon’s voice strains.

“I already explained why I didn’t tell you,” Seungkwan says. “It was because I couldn’t.”

Vernon shakes his head. “I don’t know, Seungkwan.”

“What? You still don’t believe me?”

Vernon averts his eyes. “I don’t know, it sounds like a pretty lame excuse to me. I think it was sort of a copout.”

“Well it wasn’t.” Seungkwan says confidently, which makes Vernon look up.

“Then what’s the reason?”

“I just told you.”

Vernon sighs. “No, why couldn’t you tell me? Why couldn’t you tell me goodbye? I don’t think you’ve ever explained it to me.”

Seungkwan feels his stomach plummet. Even after all these years, it never became any easier to say out loud. “It’s really complicated.”

“I’m listening. Just, please.” Vernon asks. _Begs_ , almost. “Please just be honest with me.”

Seungkwan takes a deep breath. “I was afraid. I’d never felt about anyone the way I felt about you and I guess I just got scared. I didn’t know how to put it into words and explain it to you because even I couldn’t understand it but… I guess the best way I can explain it is that I knew I would do anything for you. I knew that if I told you and you asked me to stay, I would’ve done it. I would’ve dropped all of my future plans and created new ones just to be close to you. But I never knew if you felt the same way about me, and I was too afraid to ask. How could I possibly have asked you that question?”

Vernon just looks at him, but Seungkwan has no clue what he’s thinking. It’s terrifying to pour your heart out to someone with no clue of how they’ll react, or if they’ll even understand.

“When?” Vernon finally asked. “When did you… or how long did you like me?”

“Does any of that really matter?”

“It matters to me,” Vernon persists.

“I’d say I knew I had a crush on you since junior year,” Seungkwan admits. “But I think I’ve loved you even longer.”

*

**April 3, 2015**

The only time Seungkwan had ever seen Vernon really cry was after their big fight.

And Seungkwan and Vernon _never_ fought. It seemed impossible with how much time they spent together, but their personalities never clashed. For Seungkwan, being in Vernon’s company was comfortable and easy. In fact, he seemed to prefer Vernon’s company over pretty much anyone else’s, including his own. In a way, Vernon is Seungkwan’s second home.

Or, at least he was. Now, they’re as close as strangers.

So, yeah. Seungkwan is a bit confused when he sees Vernon standing in his doorway, hands stuffed in his pockets to shield them from the cold air. Seungkwan moves to let him in and Vernon enters without a word.

“Didn’t know you were coming over,” Seungkwan says then, tension palpable in the air.

Vernon only shrugs. “Didn’t think it mattered. We used to always just come over to each other’s places when we felt like it.”

“Yeah, we used to,” Seungkwan hears himself say a bit coldly. “We used to, but not anymore. I’m glad you’re finally acknowledging that things have changed between us.”

“Why are you being like this?”

Seungkwan doesn’t know if he wants to scream, cry, laugh or do all three at once. “You’re kidding, right? Maybe it’s because things haven’t been the same in our friendship for months. You’ve like, completely shut me out and I just don’t understand why.”

Vernon pinches the bridge of his nose before covering his face in his hands. “I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me you planned on going to college far away from here… and from me.”

Vernon sounds heartbroken, and Seungkwan begins to feel his pain.

“I…” Seungkwan starts, but it’s too difficult to continue when Vernon is looking at him with sad eyes. “I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“So, you just decided not to at all? I had to fucking find out from Chan, I overheard him talking to Seokmin about it. You didn’t think I deserved some sort of goodbye?”

Seungkwan feels as if his heart had been ripped out of his chest and stomped on. Honestly, that might actually be less painful than this.

“Of _course_ you do,” Seungkwan says, throat thick with tears. “It’s just that I don’t know how to say goodbye to you.”

“Then don’t,” Vernon’s voice is barely above a whisper, and Seungkwan has to move a little closer just to hear him better. “Don’t say it.”

“I’m not sure I understand. What do you want me to do?”

Vernon opens his arms. “Just… come here.”

Seungkwan pulls Vernon into a hug, and the next few minutes are filled with tears and emotions on high. Vernon is more distraught than Seungkwan has ever seen him, and knowing that he’s the reason for Vernon’s broken sobs weighs heavy on his heart.

“I’m going to miss you so much.” Vernon confesses.

“I don’t want to be without you, Vernon. This is just something I have to do.” Vernon sighs into Seungkwan’s shoulder, but Seungkwan knows he’s listening. “Is… this why you haven’t been coming around?”

Vernon pulls away and nods slowly. “I figured I needed to get used to you not being here.”

“How could you think this wouldn’t hurt me? Please, I’m always going to be here,” Seungkwan promises. “You know you can call me anytime, right?”

“I know, but it won’t be the same.”

“Let’s not think about that right now,” Seungkwan’s fingers tangle in the hairs at the back of Vernon’s neck, their foreheads pressing against each other. “I want to focus on right now instead. Can we do that?”

Vernon just nods. Seungkwan leans into his space and nudges his nose with Vernon’s. His touch is gone almost as quickly as it comes, but they’re still so close that Seungkwan can feel Vernon’s soft breaths and it’s driving him _insane_. They lock eyes for a single moment before Seungkwan’s eyes drift to Vernon’s lips, and soon enough, they’re kissing.

 _Yes_ , Seungkwan thinks. He’s really not sure who kissed who first, but it honestly doesn’t seem to matter all that much right now. He’s kissing _Vernon_ and Vernon’s kissing _him_ , and it’s all he thinks he’s ever wanted.

They kiss gently, their lips brushing together soft as the moment is delicate.

But Seungkwan wants more.

Seungkwan kisses him a bit harder, like he has something to prove. Vernon runs his hand up the side of Seungkwan’s face to cup his jaw, pulling him impossibly closer. Seungkwan swipes his tongue over Vernon’s lips and sighs contently with how easily they part. Seungkwan only has little time to process the fact that he’s sort of straddling Vernon’s lap because suddenly Vernon’s brain seems to wake up.

The moment ends far too quickly for Seungkwan’s liking, as the reality of what they’d just done hits Vernon like a ton of bricks and he removes himself from Seungkwan’s space. Vernon scrambles to his feet and backs towards the door, and Seungkwan stares at him searching for an answer.

“Vernon, is everything alright?” Seungkwan feels nervous now, his heart pounding against his ribcage.

“Yeah, it’s just – well, no. Not really.” Vernon stammers.

“Did I do something wrong? I thought we both wanted –”

“No, don’t worry about it. It’s fine, you’re fine,” Vernon rushes to say, running a distressed hand through his now tousled hair. “It was really nice.”

Seungkwan just feels confused. “It was, but what’s the problem?”

Vernon goes to say something, but the courage must leave him far too quickly because he’s already heading towards the door. “I – this was a mistake. You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? Honestly, I think I might have been the one who kissed you… I don’t know. Never mind.”

“Vernon, please don’t leave.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, already halfway out the door. “I love you. I think it’s best we don’t talk for a while.”

And that was it. Seungkwan felt like this was the beginning of the end. And it was, in a way.

Days, weeks, and months pass. He still doesn’t hear from Vernon.

At the one-year mark, Seungkwan feels himself give up hope that he’ll ever hear from the boy who set fires in his heart again. And he doesn’t, not for a long time. It’s not until almost five years later, when a random text from Vernon lights up Seungkwan’s phone, asking to meet up that Seungkwan starts believing again.

*

**February 12, 2014**

“Vernon, your feet are freezing,” Seungkwan laughs as he playfully shoves his friend closer to the opposite end of the couch.

Vernon pouts. “But I’m cold and there’s only one blanket.”

Seungkwan sighs but ultimately decides to share his blanket, and Vernon repays him by offering some of his candy. After weeks of feeling up to their eyes in homework assignments and exams – all the wonderful joys of being a junior in high school – Seungkwan and Vernon decide the only good way to destress is to have a movie night and some snacks. Unfortunately for them, as Valentine’s Day was just around the corner, all that seems to be on TV right now are terrible romantic comedies.

Well, Vernon thinks they’re terrible. Seungkwan, on the other hand, tends to think that while they can be awfully cheesy, they’re honestly kind of sweet. He likes to believe that true love is out there for everyone, even when it’s the super mushy, gross kind.

“Oh god, please don’t tell me she’s going to take him back after this,” Vernon groans. “This isn’t fair. She deserves so much better than this guy, you know? She deserves someone who cares.” Seungkwan chuckles at this, and Vernon pouts again. “What’s so funny?”

The look on his face makes Seungkwan laugh even harder. “Nothing, it’s just… you seem awfully opiniated for someone who doesn’t even like romance movies.”

“Of course, I’m opinionated. See, this is exactly _why_ I don’t like these movies,” Vernon shifts the way he’s sitting to turn towards Seungkwan, “most of the time, the two characters go through all of this trouble just to end up settling. That’s shitty, isn’t it?”

“That’s real life though, Vernon,” Seungkwan tells him, reaching across Vernon’s lap for another piece of candy. “You’re right, it’s absolutely shitty. But most of the time, these kinds of movies give you a happy ending, and that doesn’t always happen in real life. I would argue that these movies actually make me more hopeful about love.”

“Now why’s that?”

“Because the ones that are meant to be,” Seungkwan continues, “come back even stronger when life tries to tear them apart.”

Vernon hums. “I don’t know. It’s not really my thing. I don’t really see the point in putting myself out there just to get hurt.”

“But who says you’re going to get hurt?” Seungkwan asks, meeting Vernon’s eyes. “What if by putting yourself out there, you find something great.”

Vernon shrugs, sinking further into the blankets. “Honestly, I think I’m just worried I’d make a shit boyfriend.”

“Hey, no you wouldn’t,” Seungkwan promises, pressing his body against Vernon’s side so their shoulders are touching. “Do you want to know what I think?”

“What?”

Seungkwan gives him a small smile. “I think that deep down, you’re the biggest romantic on the entire planet.” Vernon opens his mouth to dispute, but Seungkwan doesn’t let him. “The first time you met my mom, you gave her flowers. You order me my favorite takeout when I tell you I’m upset and you give me the hoodie off your back whether I like it or not if you think that I seem cold.”

For a moment, Vernon actually gets kind of shy. He deals with his embarrassment by hiding his face in the blanket and (purposely) putting his cold feet back on Seungkwan’s leg.

Seungkwan just laughs and steals more of his candy.

*

**April 10, 2020 - PRESENT DAY**

“I really wish you would’ve told me, Seungkwan,” Vernon says finally.

Seungkwan sighs for what feels like the millionth time. “I already explained why–”

“I know,” Vernon interrupts, “I understand now. I just wish you would’ve told me how you felt back then. Like, about me.”

Seungkwan doesn’t say anything for a while, and Vernon doesn’t prod any further.

In all his life, Seungkwan thinks he hasn’t ever heard silence this loud.

“I’m sorry,” Seungkwan swallows. “I just… I didn’t want this to break us apart or ruin our friendship.”

Vernon hangs his head, his lip between his teeth. “Yeah, I basically did that for us. I regret that every fucking day of my life, not contacting you for five whole years. I never should have done that after I told you I loved you,” Vernon pauses again, his voice barely above a whisper. “I still do, by the way. I’ve been with other people, but nothing ever came close to the way I feel about you.”

 _I still do_ , Seungkwan repeats in his head. The way I _feel_ – present tense. Seungkwan softens, leaning into Vernon’s space. “I wish more than anything that we hadn’t lost those five years, Nonie.” Seungkwan sees Vernon visibly tense upon hearing his old nickname and the latter is honestly surprised just how easily it slipped out, but he supposes even five years with no contact isn’t enough to fade the natural comfort that comes with Vernon’s presence.

Vernon had a way of making everyone around him feel safe.

“But it’s okay now, right?” Seungkwan continues, and Vernon looks up at him. “I don’t want to waste any more time.”

“Me neither,” Vernon agrees, and Seungkwan smiles.

Seungkwan feels like now, more than ever, he needs to be close to Vernon. He slowly crowds the younger’s space until Vernon is pressed in the space against the back of the couch, and Vernon lets him. The burning look in Vernon’s eyes signals Seungkwan to touch him, so he does. He caresses Vernon’s face with the back of his hand and lets it run all the way down his chest to rest on his thigh.

“I’ve waited too long to do this,” Seungkwan mumbles into Vernon’s mouth after surging all the way forward and connecting their lips. Vernon kisses back enthusiastically, and they start with gentle, drawn-out pecks that slowly turn deeper. It doesn’t take long until they’re both worked up, the heat of the moment and the pent-up desire inspiring the passion behind every touch of their tongues. Seungkwan pulls back briefly to catch his breath, burying his face in the collar of Vernon’s shirt. “Can we maybe…”

“Bedroom?” Vernon finishes for him, and Seungkwan nods and drops another quick kiss on his lips before the two of them head upstairs.

***

The door shuts behind them and Vernon wastes almost no time before pushing Seungkwan onto the mattress and kissing him feverishly. Seungkwan’s not entirely sure how far this is going, but he knows that he doesn’t want to stop. Seungkwan’s fingers lock at the back of Vernon’s neck to pull him closer, eliciting a soft moan when he gently tugs at his hair.

“You’re like, a really good kisser,” Vernon compliments when they finally part, both of their lips red and plump. “I mean of course I knew that before, but you’re even better than I remember.”

“Thanks, you are too,” Seungkwan says with a chuckle.

Vernon gives him a teasing grin. “Lots of practice?”

Seungkwan laughs. He can tell Vernon’s only joking, but the way he’s looking at him tells Seungkwan that he’s hoping the answer is no. “Not really, you?”

“Nah, I’ve had a few casual girlfriends but none of them ever really became anything,” Vernon admits, tracing his thumb along Seungkwan’s lower lip. “None of them could ever make me feel like you do.”

Seungkwan leans forward and kisses him again. They make out for another few minutes, and Seungkwan marks up Vernon’s neck before the younger finally removes his shirt and lets Seungkwan kiss down his chest. Vernon’s hands explore underneath Seungkwan’s shirt, prompting him to finally take it off along with his jeans that suddenly feel far-too-tight.

“It’s been so long since I’ve been with a guy like this,” Vernon says, hands gripping Seungkwan’s waist and hips coming up to rub against his leg. “I can feel you hard against me. It’s kind of hot.”

“Hmm,” Seungkwan mumbles, a frustrated moan escaping his lips as he shifts his body to grind down on Vernon’s leg.

“Fuck,” Vernon says. “You’re fucking hot.”

“Says you,” Seungkwan tells him, eyes dropping down to see Vernon straining in his jeans and then fumbling with the zipper. “Take these off.”

Vernon does just that, letting Seungkwan’s eyes roam over his body.

“Can I touch you?” Seungkwan asks eagerly.

“Later.” Vernon promises. “I want to make you feel good first.”

Seungkwan nods dumbly and lets Vernon palm him through his boxers, his body reacting enthusiastically to the touch as he presses further into Vernon’s hand. Seungkwan grinds down again on Vernon’s thigh, his head leaning to rest on Vernon’s shoulder as the pleasure takes him. Vernon has a tight hold on Seungkwan’s lower back and starts rolling his own hips against Seungkwan.

“Fuck, I think… I think I could actually come like this,” Seungkwan says, breath rugged.

Vernon turns his head to catch Seungkwan in an open-mouthed kiss, his tongue exploring everywhere it can reach. Vernon kisses the base of his throat. “Not yet.”

“I don’t think I can last like this inside you –”

“There’s always later,” Vernon tells him. “You can do whatever you want to me later, okay?”

Seungkwan nods, continuing to ride Vernon’s thigh until the friction from his boxers becomes too uncomfortable to bear. “Vernon, could you touch me please?”

Vernon hears the desperation and desire in Seungkwan’s voice and decides he’s earned it, so he readjusts to kiss down to Seungkwan’s waist line and slowly removes his boxers. He’s fully hard and leaking, which urges Vernon to wrap his hand around his dick. Seungkwan clasps his arms around Vernon’s neck and pulls him down, an attempt to muffle the sounds of his moans with a kiss. Seungkwan pants into Vernon’s mouth a few times before Vernon catches on and pulls away suddenly, pumping him faster now while he watches Seungkwan bite down hard on his lip.

“Don’t,” Vernon warns, “I want to hear you.”

Vernon then wraps his lips around the head and takes Seungkwan into his mouth, hollowing his cheeks and bobbing his head as Seungkwan bucks his hips. 

“Shit, Vernon - what the fuck,” Seungkwan whines, “You’re fucking insane.”

Vernon can’t help but laugh a little at this, the vibration from his throat nearly pushing Seungkwan over the edge. Vernon is insanely good with his mouth and it spikes lightning in Seungkwan’s blood. Seungkwan doesn’t think he’s ever been touched and handled like this, with Vernon’s open-mouthed kisses on his neck, collarbones, and the inside of his thighs rough enough to bruise and his tough hands that hold down Seungkwan’s hips enough so he can’t squirm or try to touch himself. Yet Vernon also takes care of him so well, so gently; whispering sweet nothings in his ear and kissing him passionately throughout.

“Vernon, I’m going to come.”

“Come down my throat,” Vernon pulls his lips from Seungkwan’s dick long enough to say before taking him back into his mouth.

Seungkwan nods slowly. Vernon swallows him further and not long after Seungkwan tugs at Vernon’s hair as he comes. Vernon holds eye contact with Seungkwan as he swallows and pumps him through his orgasm; the wrecked, dazed look on Seungkwan’s face enough to get Vernon off. He reaches his hand into his own boxers and jerks himself the rest of the way off. They lay alongside each other as they finish, chests heaving and bangs sticky with sweat.

Seungkwan grabs Vernon’s face and kisses him lazily, tugging Vernon’s bottom lip between his teeth for a second before brushing their noses together. “Thank you.”

Vernon smiles warmly. “Any time.”

Seungkwan just laughs and buries his face into Vernon’s chest, and the two of them lay there together for a while until Vernon can’t deal with the mess in his pants any longer and has to get up to shower. Seungkwan showers too, and Vernon gives him a fresh pair of clothes to change into when he’s done. Vernon then gets the two of them a snack and they eat while cuddled up together under the same blanket.

It feels so domestic, so easy. It’s comfortable.

“I love you,” Seungkwan says when Vernon catches him staring.

Vernon softens. “I love you, too.”

They end up talking, laughing, and kissing together for most of the day; after all, they do have five years of love to make up for.

And if Seungkwan fucks Vernon hard into the mattress before they fall asleep together, it’s just playing catch up.

***

**April 11, 2020 - PRESENT DAY**

Seungkwan wakes up the next morning a bit confused, but then sees a sleeping Vernon cozied up next to him and smiles. He unlocks his phone to see a bunch of concerned texts from Mingyu. He quickly reassures him that he is okay before tucking his phone back away and cuddling back up to Vernon. They lay together for only a little while before Seungkwan sits up in the bed, his eyes wide.

“Shit, my car.” Seungkwan says, making Vernon laugh exceptionally hard. Seungkwan hits him with his pillow.

“Sorry, okay. I’ll take you to go get it.” Vernon offers, but Seungkwan thinks he can still hear him giggling as they walk down the drive way. 

It should surprise Seungkwan how easily he and Vernon fall back into their friendship, the kind they had before Seungkwan left for college and lost contact with Vernon. The kind that Seungkwan feared they would never get back. Although this time it is quite different, but in a good way, though. Now, they can hold hands and kiss and love each other the way they want to; the way they were too afraid to love before.

Of course it will take some time and re-getting-to-know each other, but they know what they want now. And after all these years, it’s still the same.


End file.
